On Friday night, I went to a friend’s house for a home cooking/housewares party. I was looking forward to a night out with the girls and doing a little shopping for kitchen gadgets – we were desperately in need of a new spatula!

The table was set with delicious finger foods, cheesy taco delight, crudite, spinach artichoke dip, and just lots to sample! There was even a fresh – made right in front of our eyes fresh – flatbread pizza with avocado, onions, & tomatoes.

Of course, over munchies and a catalogue filled with recipes, the talk switched over to dieting. There were at least 10 women in the room, so you know inevitably one woman would bring up ‘guilt’ over what she should or should not be eating. One mentioned Weight Watchers, the other was on the 14 Day Diet, another was cutting out all carbs…and the comments were kind of hard to listen to. I mean, this was a room filled with fabulous, smart, beautiful women yet they were so very hard on themselves over food. It was sad to me.

I realize that this same conversation happens everywhere, which is why I’m bringing it up on my blog. It’s not exclusive to these particular girls who were at the party – I could have heard the same conversation in a nail salon, at the super market, in a restaurant, or in an office break room. Many women, regardless of their shape, size, age, are judgmental of themselves. As a matter of fact, a recent study suggests 3 out of 4 women are unhappy with the way they look. 3 out of 4!

It’s funny, because saying to someone, “You’re beautiful, just as you are! Stop the insanity!” doesn’t really work. You get the “oh you’re just being kind…” face. The feeling can’t be changed by words, even as I’m typing this I realize that words simply are not enough.

I believe we nurture what we love, so how can we love ourselves if we are constantly feeling like we don’t measure up? We also love what we nurture, but the ‘dieter’s mentality’ of guilt & deprivation feels more like a whipping, definitely not nurturing to me.

To be honest, I completely “get it”. Ten years ago, I would have been jumping right in on the madness. I decided to put an end to it when I realized feeling like I wasn’t good enough just led me down paths of self-destructive behaviors – overeating or starvation diets or dating the wrong men or trying to find happiness in a $700 pair of shoes – completely out of balance. I decided I had to choose self-love instead, and then spent time defining what it actually meant to “love myself”. More than words, I had to choose behaviors that exemplified love and nurturing, such as:

– Stop criticizing or judging myself (aka asking “does my butt look big in this?”)

– Practice self-care, such as movement, exercise, eating well, resting, being in tune with my body

– Living with passion and energy by using my gifts, helping others, serving, and having faith as an anchor

– Creating a space that represents who I am from the inside-out: free from clutter, choosing colors that I love, visual reminders & inspirations, and decorating with meaningful items

– Practice love, forgiveness, and understanding of others – being gentle towards others opens us up to being gentle towards ourselves. Life really is a mirror.

Self-love is a daily, ongoing practice. We all have days that we just don’t feel great! But, if we don’t work at it, we allow what the media says or what we hear from others to make us feel like we are “less than” all of the time. Like anything else, you have to strengthen your ‘self-love’ muscle by choosing behaviors that exemplify what you mean when you say the words – I don’t believe there is a right or wrong definition, we must each individually define it for ourselves. Once we do that, we are kinder to ourselves, and each other.

Why do you think we are hard on ourselves? How do you define self-love?